Friday, August 9, 2013

Suicide is a scary thought

Hanging on by my fingernails            

Hanging on - just barely

This is a hard topic for me right now because it cuts a little too close to the bone.  I've been having a really hard time lately.  The headaches have been relentless AND accompanied by mood crashes that last at least a couple of days.  It all leaves me feeling worthless as a human being.  Worth less than other people around me who walk the planet and go about their daily lives getting things done, having a good time, etc.  Sometimes all you can do is just hang on.

"I just can't do this anymore."

That's the recurrent thought I have when things get really bad and I don't have any substantive breaks between headache episodes.  It doesn't go much beyond this thought for me, but at this hanging on stage, I'm scared and anxious. I feel like I'm on a precipice.

Suicide is a bad idea

of course.  It destroys everyone around you and eliminates the possibility that you might, in fact, get better.  And guess what,  after 3 or 4 really bad weeks, I seem to be climbing out of the abyss. A change in medication, talking to others (my husband, my mental health counselor), and - hanging on.  Also, I keep trying new ideas and recycling some old ones.  I keep in mind some outside options like a return to the inpatient program that helped me before, procedures I haven't tried, etc.  

The good memories

I try hard to hold on to the vision, the feelings, the touch and sound of good times, what my therapist calls resourcing.  Our recent trip to California, in spite of my "difficulties," included some great times, the ones to hold onto.

Floating in the Eel River in northern Cal

Swimming has become one of my favorite activities lately.  I'm a really good floater and I feel weightless and cool, including my head, which all too often, feels too hot and heavy for my body.  The Eel River in the redwoods of northern California has some fantastic swimming holes.  This was a short hike below our campground.

A good dinner with my family, swimming in Bellingham Bay, 5 min. from our house, taking care of my grandson:  these are all worth hanging onto when the going gets tough.